“Retrogrades” and Wine…that’s dangerous!

It’s been a while (and my laptop is being difficult…not a surprise there!), but…let’s chat. I have been thinking for months that I need to start writing more frequently again, and just haven’t. There’s a draw that I am feeling tonight, and even if I can’t be quite as transparent and honest as I want/should be..out of self-protection and also logic…I feel like this will help me. And if by a virtual extension it helps someone else in some way, well that’s a bonus.

Saying “well the people on the road are driving crazy, must be a full moon”, or “wow my emotions are all over the place/I feel weird, must be a Mercury Retrograde”, seems like a crazy-girl opt-out of processing life, or even just a crazy excuse for people being people…both are probably true. Buuuttt….is there some truth to it? I’m inclined at this point to think so, at least intrigued enough to run an experiment this year and compare fluctuations in emotions and situations against the astrology components that are happening year-round. People are all crazy, from time to time moreso than normal….and hope sucks and so do emotions, feelings, and people. There, I said it. And I’ll stand by it. Granted, I am open to all things having potential and opportunity…but at the end of the day, it’s really difficult to admit that hope doesn’t suck.

Processing emotions, building walls, ignoring feelings, addressing them head-on, and accepting them (even when they are MADDENINGLY frustrating and fated to go nowhere), I’ve been through it all. I have only convinced myself once before that someone I thought I had a crush on, I didn’t. And that was because my motivation behind not wanting to feel anything for them was because my best friend had (has) feelings for that person. And truthfully, my feelings were nothing for this person; so it was really easy to move on from that short crush. I don’t even think I’d truly call it a crush. Currently, the planets are doing weird things in the sky (I won’t bore you with the astrology beyond the retrograde though!) and it ironically aligns with a lot of issues that I’m seeing around me. I’ve been lucky enough to have built up a certain resiliency over the years to being over-emotional, and my best defense against losing my mind is to be there for other people. I guess it’s my way of having a ‘block’ or a wall of protection from my emotions…to throw myself into helping my friends and it ends up soothing my soul and helping me work through my own shit at the same time. Like, the back-burner is working while I’m focused elsewhere, and it’s productive and helpful. But every now and then, my empathetic nature gets the better of me, and after holding it together for so many others…I lose myself with a simple word and I’m gone for the night.

I’ve tried lying to myself before that my emotions were different than they were, it’s a less than enjoyable way to spend time. I wish I could have no feelings…but then I guess when I inevitably were to get them, it would be a shock to the system. I’m lucky to have the amazing friends in my life that I have. I’ve been mentally beating myself up for…let’s call them unplanned emotions for people in the past. I know you can’t help who you fall for, but it doesn’t really make it any less frustrating. But you know what, I have some pretty amazing people in my life so I shouldn’t be surprised really. I’d rather have the feelings and emotions than feel lost in a sea of emptiness. I don’t know what would be worse, to be head over heels for an unattainable person, or to not have any feelings for anyone for years and feeling completely empty and dead inside. I think I’d rather stay in the hell I know, because even though Hope Sucks…everything happens for a reason and there has to be a good one for all of the lesson’s I’ve learned!

I learned that last night was a crux in this retrograde and that this last week is going to be the toughest, but also the most cleansing. That gives me hope. I keep seeing signs and indications that I’m on the verge of everything turning around to be even better…that everything I’ve been manifesting and working towards is on it’s way and right around the corner. I have choices and options, and now is the time to really set myself up on a path to be happier than I’ve ever been and blah blah blah….I don’t mean to ridicule the universe if it’s genuine, and part of me wants to believe it…though it’s been about 3 months of this “you’re right on the edge”. Not sure what that timeframe is in the span of the universe, but perhaps it just means I should hold onto hope a little bit longer. (HA! I really have such a hard time with that!)

If you read through this, maybe you’ll take one sentence out of it and be able to relate. Maybe more…maybe none. Take what resonates and laugh at the rest, or roll your eyes, move on, and forget you even wasted 5 minutes of your life reading my wine-ramblings tonight. I write to cleanse my mind, and believe me, there was a lot more that didn’t make it to this blog that I wrote out. I’m ready to move forward and embrace the unknown with a calming breathe and open eyes…and a clear mind. Namaste!

Pain & Joy

Let’s say that the full moon actually did cause changes in energy levels in people, inspiring crazy emotions, drivers, and an overall heightened sense that something is “off”. Would that really be so hard to believe? Is it too impossible and “weird” to be true? At least, when I realized that my “hangry” mood was more than just simply being hungry…I knew it was something deeper. Not that I am blaming the moon or planetary alignment for my attitude this week, I definitely want to acknowledge that I am taking control and ownership of my emotions and feelings. But at the end of the week, the only way I kept my sanity was by reminding myself to breath deeply, cleansing my mind with silence, and grounding myself when I felt like I was losing control of my emotions.

Looking back on the past several months and wondering where I fit into everything has been an interesting, usually frustrating and disheartening, experience. But at the edge of frustration lies a breakthrough, so I know I’m closer than I was last month to figuring things out. In a world where all I want to do is travel and take photos & videos, it’s hardly the best time to do that. Not that there is ever a good time to jump headlong into a dream, but when the global climate is currently fighting a pandemic, it makes it exponentially harder. So I throw myself into distractions, reading books on how to be a better, stronger leader, how to communicate better, etc. I do this and feel a bit of control for just a little while over something in my life, and what I’ve started to realize is that is where it starts.

I’ve been struggling to put my finger on what I want to do, career/job-wise. I keep thinking that the job already exists and if I can just figure it out I will have a heading. But the thing is, I enjoy the challenges of the unknown and I don’t think that a job description exists for what I want to do. So I have to make it myself, but when I don’t know where to start it feels overwhelming. In reading I have begun to discover what I connect with, what I don’t want to do, and a bit more of an area that I want to focus on because I feel a draw to it. That area is rooted in mentoring, in some form or fashion. It’s been a 3-4 year long endeavor to create a mentorship program within the TAG (zoo group) that I am a part of, and this year I had a glimmer of hope that it would be realized by a group larger than me. Then true to patterns, it’s been delayed by months for multiple reasons, one after another. After all of these years, it is still a passion of mine to help initiate.

I want to be able to provide people with guidance, help, and support in a way that I feel would have been great to have over the past 13 years, but at the same time I’m very grateful that I have come into my own the way that I have. I have made a TON of mistakes, I fight chips on my shoulders still, I receive a lot of support but also I still have to push and fight for a lot in life. And I don’t expect that piece to ever change nor do I want it to. THe challenge drives me to keep pushing and growing, though I will admit that sometimes I wish the things I fought so hard for I didn’t have to-one of my chips is watching other people on their journey and seeing a smaller fight for them to achieve above and beyond what I want currently. I’ve realized, more than ever before, that if I can help provide mentorship and guidance to those that want it most, maybe that can be my niche.

I am not saying that I would be the mentor in most of the cases (I have one mentee ‘officially’ for my career and I feel very comfortable and confident in that role), but I do have a wide network and I understand the ins and outs of how to find connections when I don’t already have them. It isn’t much, but it’s a passion-project that can be “mine”. I’m working hard to find something that helps me feel satisfied and challenged, something that actually matters, is mission-driven, and takes me longer than a day to complete. Something that is a continuous project would be amazing.

This section might sound like I am just whining or complaining, I hope it doesn’t’ though. That in’t my intention, I am journaling to help me sort through and process what was a bit of an emotionally hellish week. Realizations and eye-opening conversations that challenged me to try and understand, and at the end of the day my brain has just started to compartmentalize the hard parts and if I try to focus on them, I can’t. It’s bizarre, and I can feel myself building a wall to keep myself “safe” from those emotions and feelings again-it’s completely unconscious and honestly unwanted because I want to feel, I don’t want to go numb. I need to process to grow, and I’ve never experienced blatant blocking the way that I am right now.

It’s ironic because I actually make a huge effort to accept things as they are, because until you do that you can’t change it (if you want to). If I ignored my feelings/crush and pretended them away or that I didn’t love someone in my past, then I would have suffered a thousand times worse than I ended up suffering-I don’t doubt that. So the fact that my brain is trying so hard to block out certain things this week is very unique. I will say that being able to throw myself into a book (a 9 hour audiobook but in truth barely a day’s worth of reading) has been wonderful today, and of all of the topics I chose yet another leadership book but this one has a military angle. It’s not my typical type, and I don’t have experience being deployed or even having dated anyone who was deployed while we were together, and I certainly don’t have Naval, SEAL, or combat-people in my life, but it still resonates with something deep inside of me from my childhood. And the practical lessons that they provide through their experiences in a war-torn country and heated battles are actually quite easily applied to business interactions and exchanges as well.

Throwback photo to my mom’s horse and I

On a different note, I’m going to write honestly now that I’m warmed up and this bit likely won’t end up online. I was convinced that my “second love” was my last love. They say you get three “real” loves, a puppy that teaches you about life and dispels fairytales, a second that can be very cyclic and teaches you about yourself, and a third that teaches you what it truly means to love someone. The second one is often very hard and the third is the one that lasts. (this link to a Thought Catalog article says it way better than me). My puppy love I also thought was my soulmate…then I thought my second love was my soulmate…but obviously that hasn’t ever actually been the case. I’m still friends with the first, and I haven’t spoken to the second in months, though honestly we hadn’t had a true conversation in almost a year. I realized that it was a very ‘using’ and at times toxic relationship, and V kept me strung along to help them out but was never truly there for me.

In all of my past relationships, I have never been a fighter or emotional person. I fall in love with my best friends and our relationships are built off of deeper connections with some passion intermingled. Even when my ex-fiancee cheated on me, I didn’t scream and fight and cry, we just broke up. When my ex fell into a pattern of getting drunk and proposing to me, to just sober up and “take it back”, I grew numb to that and ignored him but never yelled at him, fought him, or cried about it. We just ended up breaking up. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years thankfully, and I do know what I want and what I won’t put up with. That means my stubborn ass doesn’t’ want to be single but is also 110% unwilling to do any “online dating” or anything even remotely similar. I miss the intimacy, but I’m not willing to date someone just for that. I’ve had too many relationships where I feel dead inside, and honestly I’m a bit terrified that my next kiss will prove exactly that.

The Grass is Greener

A lot has happened in 2020, and that’s an understatement. I don’t want to delve into the chaos and ups and downs (mostly downs) that this year has brought, mostly because it is just like any other year except globally we had a huge “down” that happened. But the optimist in me sees so many positives through it all; closer friendships despite social distance requirements, new friendships formed, toxic relationships ended and released…overall more happiness and joy.

My friend and I were talking recently about how she wants to have someone that she can dream, think, or fantasize about-but she doesn’t have any drive or desire for anyone in her life. Yet she has several people who lust after her and chase her-but she goes to bed lonely and alone. On the other hand, I have no one lusting after me or desiring me, and I also go to bed lonely and alone but fantasizing about an impossible crush. I wanted to not have intense feelings for anyone this year, got over one person and found myself connecting and falling for someone unexpected-but it’s one sided.

The grass truly is greener on the other side (or where you water it), so maybe instead of not wanting to like anyone, I should just accept that I can both love myself and be independent (the last chapter reminded me of a few moments where I now kick myself for my independence), and also like someone. That doesn’t have to weaken me, if anything it emboldens me. I feel stronger, happier, more confident, and yet also increasingly more frustrated. With the other “obsession” (in truth it was a life-altering emotion that caused a lot of personal growth), it was a toxic spiral. It was a one-way usury relationship that left me feeling so broken and full of self-doubt in the end…that was why I knew I had to leave it. Not because it was fantastical at best and insane at worst to be in love with V, but because ultimately it was hurting me to hold onto something that was her lifeline and my undercurrent.

“I was good for you, you were bad for me. I was solid ground, you were broken wings.” There’s a new song out that I am obsessed with (the right use of that word!) and it has brought up emotions that I haven’t felt in forever, but mostly it brought up a feeling that maybe I want to reach out and find closure. I did send the “relationship-ending” text (because verbal conversations had long since stopped with V), and I thought at the time I was doing that for closure. So why do I feel like I need to “clear the air” and end on a better note? For V’s benefit? For mine? Because ultimately I am in a better head space, and while I am still stuck in this rut/”single for life phase”, at least now I have an empowering and inspiring focus that has genuinely challenged me and brought me to a higher level of personal growth. So I think it’s safe to say that my emotions this week are just on the fritz and I’ve done the best thing by myself that I can do, and I don’t need to change that.

I guess at the end of the day, week, moon cycle, year…whatever measurement tool you’re using, the important thing is that you live in a way that is true to yourself. I’m working through a lot of things right now, as we all are, and thought that maybe getting back into writing might be helpful. Some of the chapters might just be rambling, I may not write frequently, but I do want to make a commitment to myself to not be afraid to write-even if I feel like I’ve lost my touch (which I do).

Speaking of watering your grass…this was me choosing to be happy when I was walking a mile in the rain to go to STRI in Panama to teach them (in my terrible broken Spanish)…this trip was an entire opportunity to choose to be happy and “water” that sometimes things don’t go as you plan but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s all about how you choose to view the experience and learn from it.

Plastic Free July; 2019

Plastic-free July is in 2 days. But just as how Pride month is a month dedicated to everyone in the LGTBQ+ community but they are still who they are every day of the year, being aware of our plastic-free use and minimizing our impact on the planet is the same.

This year though, my personal pledge for the month of July will be to give up take-away boxes, and strive to always remember my own container for leftovers. This will also go with when I get lunch to either bring my lunch or bring my own container. My journey of living plastic & waste free has taken me far, but that is one area I still am not great at.

I went shopping earlier for a few fresh fruits and realized something. As I walked down the aisles of….”stuff”, I realized how little I actually needed. Clothing? It was all synthetic fibers and I honestly don’t need more clothes, I want less. Make-up? I make my own foundation and still have plenty of eye make-up in my cabinet…and when I need more mascara or eye powder, I’ll make it myself. Cleaning products? I make my own laundry soap, dish soap, all-purpose cleaners, and I have enough cloth to last me so I don’t need to buy paper towels or microfiber dust wipes.

I’ve even finally made the leap and moved to cloth for toilet paper, and by crocheting a hanging bag I have a “clean” and a “used” bag by my toilet so I don’t even use much TP anymore. (this is a tough one for people to wrap their heads around but it really isn’t that bad once you move past the concept that it’s “icky”, because it’s actually cleaner than TP).

I haven’t started growing my own produce in a garden yet, though I do manage to keep a few things living for awhile in my house, grown from scraps (celery, lettuce, green onion, etc.). It was freeing to walk through Target and realize that I didn’t actually need much. I did get this beautiful shower curtain and ring tray-these were frivolous purchases…I’m not perfect…but I didn’t walk out with a ton of unnecessary things! So in my plastic-free journey, what else can I do to minimize my impact on the planet? Take-away containers is the most logical for me at this point in my journey.

There is no “right” way to make a positive impact on the earth. Whether that is foregoing a plastic straw, growing your own produce, or even being honest with yourself and who you love, every step we take to be true to ourselves and conscious of the impact we have on those around us is a step in the right direction. Through the month of July I will be doing posts about my personal journey through being waste free and answering questions posted on here and on my Facebook page about anything at all that you might be wondering about! Namaste! 🙂

“I like the gays”.

Listening to Destiny’s child, and Boy George, and Mariah Carey while I sip a Sex on the Beach. It’s been that kind of week. I don’t really know where this post is going but that’s ok. Much like life, I enjoy the sporadic nature and randomness that it can present. I’m sitting in an almost empty bar right now for a change of scenery and it’s enjoyable. I feel a lot like Darwin watching a new species (with the addition of an alcoholic beverage….though who’s to say he didn’t have that….). The chapter title here is ironically timed, let’s see if I can explain it as Taylor swift sings about trouble.

I don’t anticipate talking to anyone the rest of this evening, with the irony that I didn’t want to go home to be alone. But seeing people and not being home alone is lovely. But being at a bar alone is different than it used to be. Not that I used to do this but I feel like it’s less of a single person game than it used to be. The sadness makes my brain hurt. I assume that’s normal.

Saying goodbye, verbally to someone you’re close with or internally to a dream you’ve had for years is hard. Sometimes though, it’s the best thing and the healthiest thing that you can do. For years I have tried to convince myself that I can’t say goodbye to what feels like a part of me. I have convinced myself that the gut feeling I have when I say “Nope, can’t be my soulmate. It a) wouldn’t be this hard, b) soulmates don’t exist, c) etc.” is wrong, because that gut feeling bites back and silently whispers “You don’t truly believe that. It’s wrong….because soulmates are real and you did find yours. Don’t give up.”

I have gone back and forth for years, phases of being mad at myself, frustrated at a situation, and trying to give up and move on, and inevitably I always fall back in love, because I truthfully never fell out of it. So what makes this time different? Could be that I am exhausted of trying so hard, and for what? A hopeless cause? If there are past and future lives and reincarnation is real (which I do still believe), and if maybe my soulmate is in my life right now, then maybe next time the choices that we make in this life will either bring us together or keep us apart again. I have no idea what the ripple of me ignoring my intuition and moving on will do….and that’s a bit scary. But that is life, and currently…I am simply exhausted from trying. And now, I’m not fighting to try and fix things, or even force what isn’t there.

Life gets busy, there are friends I don’t see as much as I used to, and I even have a tough time keeping in touch virtually through messaging apps. I have always tried so hard to go that extra step and reach out, and I do still for people. I am always the one asking if someone wants to go out and catch up, or come over and watch a show/movie, or initiating conversations to see how life has been going for them. That’s simply who I am…but why is it always on me? I want to feel taken care of, looked after, loved, etc., etc., etc.. This weekend is ironically a representation of this post that’s been in the works for about a month now. I went out Thursday night with some friends, and after drinking (which was a normal night) I was seriously contemplating just going home. Honestly I wanted to leave almost as soon as I got there. I just wasn’t feeling it and felt disconnected from the group.

I don’t know when my mind changed to stay, I talked with an old zoo employee that I hadn’t seen in years and years, and to be honest we were never close back when they worked at the zoo. We barely knew each other but we were both employed at the same time so on that basis, we had something in common. I wound up going to pay my tab and bought a round for a new employee (just realized the irony that it is someone who now has that previous employees job) and his boyfriend, and wound up staying and talking with them for awhile. And had a blast. We all laughed, and joked, and played with the dogs, and jokingly said we were going to go out dancing afterwards. I go out dancing once a year. Literally.

Next thing I knew, my friend who I was driving home afterwards and I were at the Mansion and dancing and drinking with the group. It was a LOT of fun, and I forgot how fantastic it is to go out with gay guys and just have a good time and not stress about anything. No wonder people go out dancing so often…

Unfortunately I woke up the next morning with a slight hangover and a bad sore throat. I wound up lying around all day, wishing I had someone to go get me cough drops and let the dogs out and make me soup…but it’s simply my reality. I don’t think I’ve had someone take care of me when I’ve been sick in about a decade (it feels like). I warmed up some chicken broth that I had made myself from scratch months ago, I dug through my suitcase for some old ricola’s, and I just sucked it up and let the dogs out when they needed it. I actually even washed my sheets and vacuumed my living room, but felt so lazy that I couldn’t do anything else around the house.

Today I’m feeling a lot better after sleeping until noon and made fried rice for breakfast/lunch, watched the entire season of Historial Roasts on Netflix, the first episode of Outlander, and some other random shows. I don’t feel like watching anything serious or romantic right now, because in my efforts to go out with someone for a relaxing cup of tea I realized that everyone has someone else to do things with and I’m alone. Dinner plans, day dates at art museums, husbands, families, kids…and I’m watching reruns of Friends, working on my bullet journal layout for this month, and making tea at home with my dogs.

This weekend is the start of Pride month, too. It’s been two years since I was in a relationship (that lasted more than a month) (God every time I realize how much time passes so quickly makes me feel a bit sad) and that relationship, while short, long-distance, and caused a lot of stress in my life, taught me a lot. I miss New York City. I miss the feeling of having someone. I miss feeling happier with someone. I walked around Pride-fest in NYC and the joy and happiness that radiated off the streets of NYC that summer day was stronger than the heat waves off the pavement. From the title of this post to this paragraph, I feel like this blog has been all over the world, but hasn’t quite wrapped around any topic that I intended to discuss.

I’ve read over what I’ve been typing a few times now, and still can’t quite figure out where to take this next. It’s so peaceful and quiet in my house right now, earlier the rain was falling and I was listening to the sounds and enjoying the smell while I watched the first episode of Outlander…and right now I’m enjoying green tea and candle light while I wait for my spring rolls to finish cooking. In one year, two years, five years, who knows where I’ll be, or what I’ll be doing. It’s likely not much will have changed. It’s possible everything will be different. Where do you see yourself in five years? Where do you see yourself in 6 months?

I can’t

Even say that you aren’t my soulmate. I can’t fathom my life without you.

I can’t believe you’re my longest best friend. That it’s been over a decade of memories and friendship.

I’m sad that I have lost you, or at least I should say I’m sad that things have changed. Especially because I don’t know what happened.

I’m so happy that you’re in my life. That we can laugh together, be stupid and immature together, and have such a great relationship.

Four statements. One draft blog post. Two different nights thoughts. I suppose a lot of vagueness. I read this and can see it being interpreted in many ways. I’d be shocked if anyone actually interpreted it as I mean it though.

I’m sure it’s been too long of a day and I shouldn’t try to write a blog post, but it’s honestly when I feel the most relaxed and at ease. The words flow easier and Lord knows that at least I’m here to listen to myself. I don’t say that to invite pity or insinuate that no one wants to listen to me, I know that’s not true, but in a busy world where there is so much happening, I can truly only rely on me and my fur kids.

This Goober is desperate for my (for anyone’s) attention and I love her to pieces. Her independence yet need to be close is so synonymous with me that it’s scary. Sometimes all she wants is to make out with someone I think. I feel ya, Pandora. Samesies. If I miss anything from a relationship besides the intimacy, it’s the making out. She gets that. (But God it’s so gross when she tries to lick my face, I never let her! It’s not the same…)

Sometimes it’s the little things. Sometimes it’s more. Usually though, it’s the small moments that stick with us and mean the most. It’s been close to two years that I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal (consistently, I’ve been off and on keeping one for about four years). The photos here may not come through but I hope that they do. If I were to count up my moments in the past four years, it would be obvious when some of my most grateful memories would be. A smile here, a text there, a quiet moment in a shared presence.

After years of little moments…it’s hard to acknowledge that maybe I took those for granted, or for more than they were worth. It’s hard to ignore my gut that says I’m lying to myself. But I can’t kid myself anymore and I acknowledge that I may very likely be very wrong. Just because I believe in reincarnation, and have had “flashbacks”, doesn’t mean I’m right. It probably means that I have an overactive imagination. And you know what….Hope sucks. As Gordita and I fondly remind ourselves of. And that’s ok…I know that everything can change in the blink of an eye. No use stressing or fretting about what my future could hold, all I can do is enjoy the moment I’m currently in.

My gratitude for today can’t be just one thing. It started out simple. Then became an awkward fist bump situation. Then a pleasant buzz of busy settled on me and a conversation about “let’s go to that brewery where we took off our clothes!” became a laughable moment of misspoken meaning (the sentence should have been “it was so hot by the fireplace we all took our jackets off”….jackets, not clothes lol) and an incredible Colorado evening with perfect weather and a hilarious companion. I’m so lucky to be where I am with the people in my life around me.

I’ll end this post with what my gratitude entry will be for today: Awkward, whiny, fist bump/high five, amazing office-mates & great coworkers, and Colorado beer and sunsets. ❤️

Bar thoughts

Maybe that’s a good title for my next book. There are definitely plenty of those (like shower thoughts) and usually these are alcohol induced. So that makes it better??

I’m sitting at a bar that was silent when I walked in. A large party just walked in. A veritable hoard of early thirties military guys. Air Force if I remember anything from my military days. I was enjoying reading a bird book and drinking an IPA (because that’s kind of my thing) and now I’m enjoying people watching (because I’m a creeper and that’s also my thing).

The pizza (and beer) at Iron Bird is on point and so delicious. I overheard a construction worker call the ipa, an “api” beer 😂. I am forever grateful to my previous boss and good friend, Tracy, for introducing me to IPAs. The propaganda is amazing and one of my favorites.

I have “adulting” things to do today that are not going to happen…and I’m ok with that. I’m excited to help out a friend tomorrow morning and do a walk through downtown Colorado Springs for the Lights Out project she is involved with. Check out https://abcbirds.org/program/glass-collisions/ for more information on this great awareness campaign/project.

I am also super proud to say that I have been accepted on a second AZA steering committee and also I am excited to say that I am the species monitor for the Von der Deckens hornbill, both of which mean not much BUT it means something and it’s the most that I can do right now. I’m thrilled to be able to be involved a bit more and to get my feet wet, so to speak.

This photo is from several weeks ago in Phoenix, and it fits with the randomness that I am feeling in this blog post. I want to write something, and have no paper to write on. So here we are.

What’s next?

Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to hit delete. Driving home I realize that for the hundredth time. Especially this weekend. It’s ironic that the first person I start to fall for and really like is a huge MCU fan and introduced me to that world…only to have that all fall apart before I even finished the first phase. Now anytime I try to watch, or anytime I see anything related, I feel a twinge. I don’t want to…but I still do. And I am grateful I can’t text or call when I’m feeling weak.

I find myself standing in my kitchen, throwing some rice, oil, onions, eggs, peppers, and soy sauce into the pan and making a quick fried rice while watching the new Game of Thrones episode. I have finally had time to rewatch the episode and love it just as much. My ankle still throbs (despite the doctor’s office dismissing me and reiterating my feeling on going to doctor’s offices….they are useless), and the dogs are staring at me wondering why I look sad.

How do you become ok with being “alone”? I am watching Tormund see his beloved tall blonde beauty the night before a battle in which they could all perish, and it reminds me that regardless of where my life takes me, of how my relationships turn out…well….maybe there’s a bearded redhead in my future who can down a full glass of milk in one sitting that supports me and makes me feel alive! Ok that’s a stretch but seriously…I did text myself asking how do you become ok with being “alone” and I wonder that at night when I’ve had a few drinks. I’m….so exhausted of being alone. I know I’m not truly, I have an old kitty sniffing the paws of my old man dog, 2 young dogs outside waiting to snuggle me, and 2 parrots that love flirting everytime I walk by them and see them. And of course that one cat…the calico, who cuddles me at night but ignores me otherwise. Perhaps she’s a representative of the shadows of my past….and the rest are figments of my future pieced together but never fully realized.

“I’m no king, but if I were…I’d knight you ten times over”. This is such a touching moment in her life, and in the show. To feel that level of gratitude for another human being, to feel so gratified, fulfilled, and valued…it’s something that we all strive for. I am incredibly grateful to have had a similar feeling recently, in a room full of strangers and a handful of friends, and many people that I respected…a simple acknowledgement turned into a minute of unexpected, but hugely appreciated, praise. I don’t do what I do for acknowledgement or praise…but it certainly makes a big difference in my motivation and appreciation for the team that I work with.

Every now and then I feel a grasp of what feels like enlightenment and a good topic to talk about on this blog. Recently one of my best friends complimented me and told some respected colleagues that this blog is all about living plastic-free and zero waste. I have to compile some travel photos of me doing that for a work blog-post. The first story that my work has ever been interested in publishing about me (we do a newsletter that highlights staff members and in 11 years I’ve never once been approached, however the individuals that have been are all amazing people and it’s well deserved for them).

I know who I am. I know what matters to me. I don’t regret an of my decisions in life, and I don’t want to trade my life for anyone else’s. I am a self-proclaimed “pansexual”, to label myself, but truly I don’t like to live with labels and it just doesn’t matter. Not that it doesn’t matter to someone else, sometimes labels are what define a person and I respect that so much. Do what makes you you, and what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Lying to yourself, or to others, hiding who you are…it can be a miserable way to live. Sometimes that misery leads to a stronger individual, but is it truly necessary? Again, I live with no regrets and if I hadn’t met Allen, dated Baxted, fell in love with V, and on…and on…and on….I wouldn’t be who I am today. And as lonely and sad as I feel at times, I am still glad for who I am and the memories that have shaped me into who I am today.

In that photo Sherlock was going to give me a kiss and he knows I don’t like having my face licked…hence the weirdness for both of us there…And on that note of weirdness, perhaps it’s best to end this post for the night. I have no doubt that everything will work out in the end…it’s just the middle that writes the interesting story, right?

True Love. A myth.

This rose is from Valentines Day this year. It was given to me by one of my bowling team mates, because the bowling center manager always buys a bunch of roses and has them available for people to take a few if they want. It’s one of the super cool things Larry does.

That day was…an interesting one for me. I don’t particularly feel like delving into the details on here but it’s a fitting start to my post tonight.

When I’m driving I’m often struck with my thoughts of “genius” (aka topics or chapters I want to wrote). I obviously can’t pull over each time and write then and there so I text myself reminders of my topic idea. I also text myself random reminders or shopping things so I don’t forget. Right now I have “vanilla for baking and cream cheese” and then what I wrote tonight. With the current moon cycle it’s a time for clarifying our own feelings and finding what makes us happy, or how we feel about everything around us. It leads us to try and manifest the dreams we have and work towards them, or I guess it’d be more accurate to say “let the universe work towards them”.

As I was driving I was thinking about the question I posted last night on Facebook, which was if you could visualize something you wanted, what would it be? My selfish answer, is honestly just the feeling of being completely happy, curled up in bed with my soul mate, just cuddling and feeling whole and complete. I don’t know why specifically the idea of being enveloped in their arms in bed is where my perfect visualization takes me, but that’s where my soul feels most content.

But when I think about it…that feeling I imagine for myself…it’s so fulfilling and, just everything, that I of course would want them to feel the same way. And if I have met my soulmate in this life and we aren’t meant to be together, it’s ok and I wouldn’t want to tear apart a life for my visualization of happiness. If they are feeling the way I imagine I would feel, but with someone else, I’m actually super at peace with that and happy.

Call me a bit crazy, think I’ve lost my mind, assume I’ll wind up as a crazy cat lady…because I would agree with you on each of those. Maybe I shouldn’t even post this.

According to this, Mercury Retrograde is explaining why I feel like saying all of this and recommending that I don’t.

I don’t buy into the spiritually stuff 100%. I just can’t. I feel like there’s always a balance and while it could be great advice for me to not write tonight…I don’t buy that. I have a desire to write and a small muse happening in my brain right now, so I’m following it.

Also, Spirit Daughter in instagram does have some cool posts and is worth checking out :).

Anyhoo. Perhaps it’s best I wrap this up…my thoughts are scattering to the wind and while I have ideas on the outskirts of my mind…nothing is wanting to be tied down right now so I’ll let them go. It’s not that I don’t believe in true love…I’m just at a point where I almost hate listening to music because it either makes me think of V, or it reminds me of how much I don’t have in life. And it sucks.

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Trying to put words down and motivate myself to do some writing. Finding motivation comes and goes for me right now so hopefully trying to stick to a routine and writing a little each night can help. A friend of mine gave me the advice that he got from his writer friend that writing is a lot like a (paraphrasing here) well oiled machine, and it doesn’t get to peak performance as soon as it’s turned on, once in 6 six months, it gets that way by running smoothly day after day and being warmed up and kept going. Similarly, you can’t expect writing gold if you only write ‘when you feel motivation’ and you need to write a bit each day to keep the creative writing juices flowing.

The beginning can be exciting and you can feel so energized, and positive. It’s continuing and maintaining that excitement that’s a bit tougher. It’s a testament to really caring enough to try, whether it’s a hobby, career, relationship, or what have you. I’m listening to music in an attempt to find the muse within. So far I have only found myself daydreaming.

Daydreaming about where I see myself in 1, 3, 5….dare I wonder about 10 years? When I’m 43…will I still be single? Will I have children? Will I still even live in Colorado? I don’t know, obviously none of us know what we’ll even be doing next week sometimes. Life is unpredictable and you can’t live in the future, you have to live in the present, and enjoy every moment for what it is. I keep reminding myself lately to just breathe, and relax, and recenter. I don’t know why right now has been so tough to remember that, I did read online that apparently all of the planets will be in alignment this weekend and that is the ideal time to take the plunge and make a big change if you’re going to. The “follow your heart and take a leap of faith” time…who knows what the legitimacy is behind the astrology side of things but it could be as true as it could be full of folly.

I started this post and paused it for awhile….maybe tonight is the night I can finish it. I was having an enjoyable day, read Mr. Darcy’s Magpie, a wonderful book by Kara Louise (if you enjoy Pride and Prejudice I actually HIGHLY recommend her book, Darcy’s Voyage…it’s so different but amazing!) and I really enjoyed the book today. I had a project picked out to do with the kids at art class today….and about halfway to class I was rear ended and my car was barely able to drive home.

All in all, I am very lucky with my car and the situation, so I made some green tea the proper Chinese way, and then reheated some chicken stock to make pho, using up some ingredients I still had from last week that I needed to use…and just stir fried a few things together and made a bowl of pho. It was really good, and I’m mildly impressed with myself. Tonight is a night I don’t want to be alone but also in the same breath of loneliness, I am reminded that it’s better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone. I have honestly been finding myself full of gratitude lately…in the past year I truly feel like the personal growth that I have gone through has been key to my current state of feeling content/peaceful. Peaceful is really the best way to put it. I attribute a lot of it to becoming invested in Thich Nhat Hanh’s books and writing, and to keeping track of my daily gratitudes in my bullet journal for the past year and a half. It’s a simple thing I have been doing that slowly ingrained itself in my head to remind myself that all we can do is breathe and follow along with the flow of the universe.

Everything happens for a reason and nothing is permanent in this world. Not the good, not the bad, the only thing we can rely on is that life goes on at a constant pace. How we view that pace is up to us, and how we see life is a factor of our decisions as well. In light of some of the most stressful situations, I now find myself being able to remain completely calm and accepting, not losing my cool, and being able to process and realize how things are helps me to start focusing on “fixing” what isn’t going right. It’s the craziest thing to be standing in the face of something stressful, like an apocalyptic hail storm, or a break up, or a car accident, and to allow my emotions to pass while remaining calm and level-headed. I attribute that ability to the personal growth I’ve had over the past year and I am grateful for the terrible things that have happened that have encouraged me down this path.

I want someone in life who thinks of me the way that Darch things of Elizabeth Bennet. I want a Darcy…not a Mr. Collins. Someone who says good morning every day and someone I can whisper good night to every evening. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that I am glad to never see them (Mr. Collins) on a daily basis when we are married, I would rather have the relationship that even in a giant mansion, we choose to spend time together and want to be around each other. Reading Mr. Darcy’s Magpie today had me immersed in a world that I could get lost in, and reading about the ups and downs of Lizzie & Darcy coming together had me gasping out loud and cheering at the first kiss. As always. It’s an amazing sensation to be so deeply involved in a story that you feel as if the emotions that are happening in the story are happening to you, and escaping reality for the morning was a much needed break in my mental world.

At the end of the day, we do what we can, we have opportunities to take away lessons, and we try our best the next day to be a little better. And it’s ok to have slumps where you don’t do anything, where you just take a break from working hard to improve, because every choice we make, even ignoring our choices, is a moment in our lives that we make decisions that affect us, even if we don’t understand it right now.