I can’t

Even say that you aren’t my soulmate. I can’t fathom my life without you.

I can’t believe you’re my longest best friend. That it’s been over a decade of memories and friendship.

I’m sad that I have lost you, or at least I should say I’m sad that things have changed. Especially because I don’t know what happened.

I’m so happy that you’re in my life. That we can laugh together, be stupid and immature together, and have such a great relationship.

Four statements. One draft blog post. Two different nights thoughts. I suppose a lot of vagueness. I read this and can see it being interpreted in many ways. I’d be shocked if anyone actually interpreted it as I mean it though.

I’m sure it’s been too long of a day and I shouldn’t try to write a blog post, but it’s honestly when I feel the most relaxed and at ease. The words flow easier and Lord knows that at least I’m here to listen to myself. I don’t say that to invite pity or insinuate that no one wants to listen to me, I know that’s not true, but in a busy world where there is so much happening, I can truly only rely on me and my fur kids.

This Goober is desperate for my (for anyone’s) attention and I love her to pieces. Her independence yet need to be close is so synonymous with me that it’s scary. Sometimes all she wants is to make out with someone I think. I feel ya, Pandora. Samesies. If I miss anything from a relationship besides the intimacy, it’s the making out. She gets that. (But God it’s so gross when she tries to lick my face, I never let her! It’s not the same…)

Sometimes it’s the little things. Sometimes it’s more. Usually though, it’s the small moments that stick with us and mean the most. It’s been close to two years that I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal (consistently, I’ve been off and on keeping one for about four years). The photos here may not come through but I hope that they do. If I were to count up my moments in the past four years, it would be obvious when some of my most grateful memories would be. A smile here, a text there, a quiet moment in a shared presence.

After years of little moments…it’s hard to acknowledge that maybe I took those for granted, or for more than they were worth. It’s hard to ignore my gut that says I’m lying to myself. But I can’t kid myself anymore and I acknowledge that I may very likely be very wrong. Just because I believe in reincarnation, and have had “flashbacks”, doesn’t mean I’m right. It probably means that I have an overactive imagination. And you know what….Hope sucks. As Gordita and I fondly remind ourselves of. And that’s ok…I know that everything can change in the blink of an eye. No use stressing or fretting about what my future could hold, all I can do is enjoy the moment I’m currently in.

My gratitude for today can’t be just one thing. It started out simple. Then became an awkward fist bump situation. Then a pleasant buzz of busy settled on me and a conversation about “let’s go to that brewery where we took off our clothes!” became a laughable moment of misspoken meaning (the sentence should have been “it was so hot by the fireplace we all took our jackets off”….jackets, not clothes lol) and an incredible Colorado evening with perfect weather and a hilarious companion. I’m so lucky to be where I am with the people in my life around me.

I’ll end this post with what my gratitude entry will be for today: Awkward, whiny, fist bump/high five, amazing office-mates & great coworkers, and Colorado beer and sunsets. ❤️

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Bar thoughts

Maybe that’s a good title for my next book. There are definitely plenty of those (like shower thoughts) and usually these are alcohol induced. So that makes it better??

I’m sitting at a bar that was silent when I walked in. A large party just walked in. A veritable hoard of early thirties military guys. Air Force if I remember anything from my military days. I was enjoying reading a bird book and drinking an IPA (because that’s kind of my thing) and now I’m enjoying people watching (because I’m a creeper and that’s also my thing).

The pizza (and beer) at Iron Bird is on point and so delicious. I overheard a construction worker call the ipa, an “api” beer 😂. I am forever grateful to my previous boss and good friend, Tracy, for introducing me to IPAs. The propaganda is amazing and one of my favorites.

I have “adulting” things to do today that are not going to happen…and I’m ok with that. I’m excited to help out a friend tomorrow morning and do a walk through downtown Colorado Springs for the Lights Out project she is involved with. Check out https://abcbirds.org/program/glass-collisions/ for more information on this great awareness campaign/project.

I am also super proud to say that I have been accepted on a second AZA steering committee and also I am excited to say that I am the species monitor for the Von der Deckens hornbill, both of which mean not much BUT it means something and it’s the most that I can do right now. I’m thrilled to be able to be involved a bit more and to get my feet wet, so to speak.

This photo is from several weeks ago in Phoenix, and it fits with the randomness that I am feeling in this blog post. I want to write something, and have no paper to write on. So here we are.

What’s next?

Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to hit delete. Driving home I realize that for the hundredth time. Especially this weekend. It’s ironic that the first person I start to fall for and really like is a huge MCU fan and introduced me to that world…only to have that all fall apart before I even finished the first phase. Now anytime I try to watch, or anytime I see anything related, I feel a twinge. I don’t want to…but I still do. And I am grateful I can’t text or call when I’m feeling weak.

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I find myself standing in my kitchen, throwing some rice, oil, onions, eggs, peppers, and soy sauce into the pan and making a quick fried rice while watching the new Game of Thrones episode. I have finally had time to rewatch the episode and love it just as much. My ankle still throbs (despite the doctor’s office dismissing me and reiterating my feeling on going to doctor’s offices….they are useless), and the dogs are staring at me wondering why I look sad.

How do you become ok with being “alone”? I am watching Tormund see his beloved tall blonde beauty the night before a battle in which they could all perish, and it reminds me that regardless of where my life takes me, of how my relationships turn out…well….maybe there’s a bearded redhead in my future who can down a full glass of milk in one sitting that supports me and makes me feel alive! Ok that’s a stretch but seriously…I did text myself asking how do you become ok with being “alone” and I wonder that at night when I’ve had a few drinks. I’m….so exhausted of being alone. I know I’m not truly, I have an old kitty sniffing the paws of my old man dog, 2 young dogs outside waiting to snuggle me, and 2 parrots that love flirting everytime I walk by them and see them. And of course that one cat…the calico, who cuddles me at night but ignores me otherwise. Perhaps she’s a representative of the shadows of my past….and the rest are figments of my future pieced together but never fully realized.

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“I’m no king, but if I were…I’d knight you ten times over”. This is such a touching moment in her life, and in the show. To feel that level of gratitude for another human being, to feel so gratified, fulfilled, and valued…it’s something that we all strive for. I am incredibly grateful to have had a similar feeling recently, in a room full of strangers and a handful of friends, and many people that I respected…a simple acknowledgement turned into a minute of unexpected, but hugely appreciated, praise. I don’t do what I do for acknowledgement or praise…but it certainly makes a big difference in my motivation and appreciation for the team that I work with.

Every now and then I feel a grasp of what feels like enlightenment and a good topic to talk about on this blog. Recently one of my best friends complimented me and told some respected colleagues that this blog is all about living plastic-free and zero waste. I have to compile some travel photos of me doing that for a work blog-post. The first story that my work has ever been interested in publishing about me (we do a newsletter that highlights staff members and in 11 years I’ve never once been approached, however the individuals that have been are all amazing people and it’s well deserved for them).

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I know who I am. I know what matters to me. I don’t regret an of my decisions in life, and I don’t want to trade my life for anyone else’s. I am a self-proclaimed “pansexual”, to label myself, but truly I don’t like to live with labels and it just doesn’t matter. Not that it doesn’t matter to someone else, sometimes labels are what define a person and I respect that so much. Do what makes you you, and what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Lying to yourself, or to others, hiding who you are…it can be a miserable way to live. Sometimes that misery leads to a stronger individual, but is it truly necessary? Again, I live with no regrets and if I hadn’t met Allen, dated Baxted, fell in love with V, and on…and on…and on….I wouldn’t be who I am today. And as lonely and sad as I feel at times, I am still glad for who I am and the memories that have shaped me into who I am today.

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In that photo Sherlock was going to give me a kiss and he knows I don’t like having my face licked…hence the weirdness for both of us there…And on that note of weirdness, perhaps it’s best to end this post for the night. I have no doubt that everything will work out in the end…it’s just the middle that writes the interesting story, right?

True Love. A myth.

This rose is from Valentines Day this year. It was given to me by one of my bowling team mates, because the bowling center manager always buys a bunch of roses and has them available for people to take a few if they want. It’s one of the super cool things Larry does.

That day was…an interesting one for me. I don’t particularly feel like delving into the details on here but it’s a fitting start to my post tonight.

When I’m driving I’m often struck with my thoughts of “genius” (aka topics or chapters I want to wrote). I obviously can’t pull over each time and write then and there so I text myself reminders of my topic idea. I also text myself random reminders or shopping things so I don’t forget. Right now I have “vanilla for baking and cream cheese” and then what I wrote tonight. With the current moon cycle it’s a time for clarifying our own feelings and finding what makes us happy, or how we feel about everything around us. It leads us to try and manifest the dreams we have and work towards them, or I guess it’d be more accurate to say “let the universe work towards them”.

As I was driving I was thinking about the question I posted last night on Facebook, which was if you could visualize something you wanted, what would it be? My selfish answer, is honestly just the feeling of being completely happy, curled up in bed with my soul mate, just cuddling and feeling whole and complete. I don’t know why specifically the idea of being enveloped in their arms in bed is where my perfect visualization takes me, but that’s where my soul feels most content.

But when I think about it…that feeling I imagine for myself…it’s so fulfilling and, just everything, that I of course would want them to feel the same way. And if I have met my soulmate in this life and we aren’t meant to be together, it’s ok and I wouldn’t want to tear apart a life for my visualization of happiness. If they are feeling the way I imagine I would feel, but with someone else, I’m actually super at peace with that and happy.

Call me a bit crazy, think I’ve lost my mind, assume I’ll wind up as a crazy cat lady…because I would agree with you on each of those. Maybe I shouldn’t even post this.

According to this, Mercury Retrograde is explaining why I feel like saying all of this and recommending that I don’t.

I don’t buy into the spiritually stuff 100%. I just can’t. I feel like there’s always a balance and while it could be great advice for me to not write tonight…I don’t buy that. I have a desire to write and a small muse happening in my brain right now, so I’m following it.

Also, Spirit Daughter in instagram does have some cool posts and is worth checking out :).

Anyhoo. Perhaps it’s best I wrap this up…my thoughts are scattering to the wind and while I have ideas on the outskirts of my mind…nothing is wanting to be tied down right now so I’ll let them go. It’s not that I don’t believe in true love…I’m just at a point where I almost hate listening to music because it either makes me think of V, or it reminds me of how much I don’t have in life. And it sucks.

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Trying to put words down and motivate myself to do some writing. Finding motivation comes and goes for me right now so hopefully trying to stick to a routine and writing a little each night can help. A friend of mine gave me the advice that he got from his writer friend that writing is a lot like a (paraphrasing here) well oiled machine, and it doesn’t get to peak performance as soon as it’s turned on, once in 6 six months, it gets that way by running smoothly day after day and being warmed up and kept going. Similarly, you can’t expect writing gold if you only write ‘when you feel motivation’ and you need to write a bit each day to keep the creative writing juices flowing.

The beginning can be exciting and you can feel so energized, and positive. It’s continuing and maintaining that excitement that’s a bit tougher. It’s a testament to really caring enough to try, whether it’s a hobby, career, relationship, or what have you. I’m listening to music in an attempt to find the muse within. So far I have only found myself daydreaming.

Daydreaming about where I see myself in 1, 3, 5….dare I wonder about 10 years? When I’m 43…will I still be single? Will I have children? Will I still even live in Colorado? I don’t know, obviously none of us know what we’ll even be doing next week sometimes. Life is unpredictable and you can’t live in the future, you have to live in the present, and enjoy every moment for what it is. I keep reminding myself lately to just breathe, and relax, and recenter. I don’t know why right now has been so tough to remember that, I did read online that apparently all of the planets will be in alignment this weekend and that is the ideal time to take the plunge and make a big change if you’re going to. The “follow your heart and take a leap of faith” time…who knows what the legitimacy is behind the astrology side of things but it could be as true as it could be full of folly.

I started this post and paused it for awhile….maybe tonight is the night I can finish it. I was having an enjoyable day, read Mr. Darcy’s Magpie, a wonderful book by Kara Louise (if you enjoy Pride and Prejudice I actually HIGHLY recommend her book, Darcy’s Voyage…it’s so different but amazing!) and I really enjoyed the book today. I had a project picked out to do with the kids at art class today….and about halfway to class I was rear ended and my car was barely able to drive home.

All in all, I am very lucky with my car and the situation, so I made some green tea the proper Chinese way, and then reheated some chicken stock to make pho, using up some ingredients I still had from last week that I needed to use…and just stir fried a few things together and made a bowl of pho. It was really good, and I’m mildly impressed with myself. Tonight is a night I don’t want to be alone but also in the same breath of loneliness, I am reminded that it’s better to be lonely alone than lonely with someone. I have honestly been finding myself full of gratitude lately…in the past year I truly feel like the personal growth that I have gone through has been key to my current state of feeling content/peaceful. Peaceful is really the best way to put it. I attribute a lot of it to becoming invested in Thich Nhat Hanh’s books and writing, and to keeping track of my daily gratitudes in my bullet journal for the past year and a half. It’s a simple thing I have been doing that slowly ingrained itself in my head to remind myself that all we can do is breathe and follow along with the flow of the universe.

Everything happens for a reason and nothing is permanent in this world. Not the good, not the bad, the only thing we can rely on is that life goes on at a constant pace. How we view that pace is up to us, and how we see life is a factor of our decisions as well. In light of some of the most stressful situations, I now find myself being able to remain completely calm and accepting, not losing my cool, and being able to process and realize how things are helps me to start focusing on “fixing” what isn’t going right. It’s the craziest thing to be standing in the face of something stressful, like an apocalyptic hail storm, or a break up, or a car accident, and to allow my emotions to pass while remaining calm and level-headed. I attribute that ability to the personal growth I’ve had over the past year and I am grateful for the terrible things that have happened that have encouraged me down this path.

I want someone in life who thinks of me the way that Darch things of Elizabeth Bennet. I want a Darcy…not a Mr. Collins. Someone who says good morning every day and someone I can whisper good night to every evening. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that I am glad to never see them (Mr. Collins) on a daily basis when we are married, I would rather have the relationship that even in a giant mansion, we choose to spend time together and want to be around each other. Reading Mr. Darcy’s Magpie today had me immersed in a world that I could get lost in, and reading about the ups and downs of Lizzie & Darcy coming together had me gasping out loud and cheering at the first kiss. As always. It’s an amazing sensation to be so deeply involved in a story that you feel as if the emotions that are happening in the story are happening to you, and escaping reality for the morning was a much needed break in my mental world.

At the end of the day, we do what we can, we have opportunities to take away lessons, and we try our best the next day to be a little better. And it’s ok to have slumps where you don’t do anything, where you just take a break from working hard to improve, because every choice we make, even ignoring our choices, is a moment in our lives that we make decisions that affect us, even if we don’t understand it right now.

Whiskey “Drunk” vs.??

As I cuddle up and listen to the Aquaman soundtrack tonight (yup I am a dork….whatever I fell in love with it and it’s beautiful), I’m contemplating a few things of life tonight.

Alcohol, and different types of it, affect everyone differently. Obviously. Based on history, past experiences, associated feelings, etc.. For me, beer has one affect, let’s call it more amorous, when I’ve had a bit too much. Whereas wine makes me feel more affectionate towards those that I love, and that can sometimes manifest as anger towards complicated feelings of those I care deeply for but can’t love, for one reason or another. Whiskey, is an interesting combination of the two, where the desire for a connection with someone I care about overrides common sense sometimes.

Definitely not always, and this by no means is a surefire guide into my mind. But….more often than not it’s what ends up happening in my brain. Tonight I find myself thinking about the way life plays out, the way that it isn’t fair, and the way that hope sucks. Life, hope, and fairness. Almost like eat, pray, love, but not at all. (To be honest I’ve never read that or watched the movie so who knows, maybe this is similar but I doubt it.)

I know that there is no such thing as normal in this world, but it doesn’t change the fact that I long for the days as a child where things seemed (seemed being the key word) so much simpler. As life goes on, memories and history are built and made, and life inevitably becomes more complicated. Children, work, family, friends, commitments, careers, distance…nothing is ever easy. Even finding your soulmate isn’t necessarily easy. And even if it is, doesn’t mean that you’re going to be happy or that everything will magically work out, life isn’t a rom-com or cartoon. Life is nothing more than that. Life.

Living a full life is all anyone can hope to do. Being happy, proud of the decisions you made, having no regrets, leaving behind a legacy, imparting your wisdom upon the world…a full life can be defined many different ways. Some nights I stare into my cat’s eyes as she looks at me and I feel like I am complete and content. I am living a good life, I am doing my best by her, it’s ok. And then I see what else is out there, and I have a temporary glimmer of hope, before it so quickly changes that it’s hard to believe it happened.

But it did. There is joy out there, there is love and peace, and happiness. If anything a reminder of what more there is to life is worth being grateful for. And when the night gets coldest and my cats paws aren’t the same as a human’s touch, it’s what I remind myself of. That everything happens for a reason, and that sometimes we don’t understand that reason right away. In fact, we usually don’t. In the end, I am grateful for every second I am breathing, for my cat laying on my chest as I type this, for my dogs for being there besides me, for the birds chattering quietly to themselves behind me, and to red-winged blackbirds.

 

There’s No Such Thing as Normal; Weird is Wonderful

The past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me, struggling with frustrations, changing habits, finding happiness, learning not hold on too tightly to feelings (happiness, frustrations, sadness, anger…just don’t do it).

I started a new art class session this year, with the same age group as before, and I have a lot of trepidation before each class starts. I have a great habit after class of decompressing at the local Chinese tea shop, usually on my own, just to enjoy some tea and relax. Lately I have been lucky enough to enjoy the tea with the company of some of my best friends, and in the past two months I have introduced several people to the amazing world of tea ceremonies.

I always have at least one kid in the class who is a ‘self-proclaimed’ weirdo, and I love that. Nothing in life is normal, so everyone should be encouraged to embrace the “weird” about them. We all have something that we have been teased about at some point, someone said that the way we say a word, or butter our bread, or get dressed is “not normal”. Screw normal.

While writing last night at tea I realized that between two different writing passages, there was a remarkable difference in the tune I was singing, and a short amount of time had passed. There is no normal in life, in an individual or a relationship…but you should have positive emotions about what is going on. Apathy shouldn’t be “normal”, emotionally then you’re little better than a corpse. I overheard a girl last night talking about a medical procedure she had done recently for her overactive heart rate, and the medicine she was given actually stopped her pulse for a few seconds-yet she was wide awake and lying there while this happened. She described it as a surreal and almost indescribable sensation…yet for those out there living with apathy, I imagine it’s quite the same.

You should never give another human the power over you to take away your happiness. Happiness is found within, and if someone is able to overpower that and affect you in such a way that you forget the happiness is in there, it’s time to assess a few things in life. There is happiness in a tea shop, at a Cirque de Soleil show, on a snowy hike, walking a dog, laughing with a friend, or reading at home in front of a warm fireplace with a nice cup of tea. Find your happiness, let it fill you up, and don’t let anyone take it away from you.